SPINNING MY GEARS: An Identity Crisis

      Once upon a time, a little boy began to work out who he was in the northwestern part of our state. For most people, knowing who they are doesn’t come with tumult. For this little boy, though, the question always loomed and had to be answered repeatedly — “Who am I?” “What does it even mean to ask that?” “Can I change who I am if I want to?” “Can I answer both who I was and who I am becoming?” “Does the question only apply to who I am right now?”

      The little boy came from a loving blue-collar family. His father worked in construction, and his two brothers seemed to fit in without pondering existential questions. The problem didn’t even seem to be on other people’s radar.

      The little boy sensed that he was different from his brothers. He knew his father was disappointed that he wasn’t interested in football. It was apparent that his father was more frustrated with raising him. One evening, while listening to his parents’ private conversation through the crack under their door, the boy discovered what he believed to be the reason for his differences. In the middle of a heated argument, under tears, he heard his mother say, “He’s not even your son.” The little boy found out he was adopted.

      A little boy went to school with the knowledge that he was different. A little boy who desired to please his parents became a people pleaser, striving to find affirmation in who he was. Naturally, he focused most of his attention on pleasing his teachers because that was the only place where he was consistently recognized for his successes. That little boy became a prolific liar who would spin stories without reason or prompting. He became an actor. Not only on the stage, but also in life. as he attempted to become the person he had presented himself to be. With confidence and charisma, the little boy became who he wanted to become, but he was just as lost when he first asked, “Who am I?”

      The years went by until one day, the grandparents of his closest friend invited him to a small Baptist church on the corner of Dixieland Road and New Hope in Rogers. Ron Fields was the pastor of Temple Baptist Church in those days, and Dan Carson served as the youth pastor. The boy continued to play his role until he discovered that he was valuable because of the Person who created him.

      The little boy I have been writing about is me. Our culture has pressured each of us to put a label on ourselves. We’ve all heard someone say, “I’m a _____.” Fill in the blank with some label (e.g., preacher, jokester, sportsman, troublemaker, teacher, etc.). My life changed when someone taught me that I wasn’t my accomplishments, feelings, desires or failures. My identity is in the God who made me.

      It has been 20 years since I discovered these truths, and I still wrestle with my identity. I’m afraid of being a performer. There’s some natural talent there, but I run from it because I want to be who God has called me to be in a sincere way. That doesn’t always make life easy. Some people are uncomfortable with transparency and vulnerability. I think the reason isthey want to continue to play pretend in their own life. Nevertheless, I look back on my life and rejoice at how I see God shaping me.

      I lived with an identity crisis as I was growing up two decades ago. Today, many students are facing the same struggles. I never had to wonder whether I was a boy or a girl. I knew that I was a boy because I was born a boy, and I would die a boy. Students today have less confidence about something so apparent because of our society. I can’t imagine growing up with the doubts and insecurities that students face today. I am glad we have a God who calls us to know who we are in Him. I want students to know the same peace I had when I first understood that.

      Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” This thrilling passage comes after one of the most straightforward explanations of the gospel in all Scripture — “You were dead in the trespasses and sins... but God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us... made us alive together with Christ... for we are His workmanship” (Eph. 2:1-10). You are not a mistake. You are not alive today by accident. You are not your own. You are His. When I think about who I am today, I spend more time understanding whose I am.